The Bosses of Gates and Doors

Government establishments, banks, malls, universities and colleges, restaurants, amusement parks, train stations, etcetera. Now tell me, who doesn’t encounter a single security guard in a day?  Let us talk about the first persons that the students see when they enter their school compounds, the people in navy blue pants, the men and women armed with guns and whistles and batutas (clubs), the bosses of gates and doors.

The species of security guards are undoubtedly fascinating. There are several types of security guards even though they have the same job – to provide the security and safety of an establishment.

Bawal Makipagkwentuhan sa gwardya.

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However, we cannot deny the fact that not all security guards are enlightening. Even though they have same uniforms and same jobs, they still differ from each other in terms of personalities, behaviors, and, er, mannerisms. Here is a short list of different types of security guards, differentiating them from their physical appearance to their weirdest peculiarity.

FIRST: The Y!M Emoticon Lookalike. This guard’s usual words are “Hi, Sir! Hi, Ma’am!” and “Thank you, come again!” and… take note, with a flashing smile to boot! His boss must really give him an everyday bonus. It is not easy to smile the whole day and pretend that your jaw muscles aren’t hurting! And he is also giving the people entering and leaving the building good vibes as well because of his smile (sometimes he actually grins) that resembles the famous Y!M emoticon.

SECOND: The Reincarnation of Grumpy. Do you know who Grumpy is? Grumpy is one of the seven dwarfs of the fairy tale Snow White. Grumpy was the grouchiest and most curmudgeonly and moodiest of them all who almost doesn’t know how to smile at all. Beyond doubt (let’s go back to the world of security guards and leave the dwarfs behind), this guard is the exact opposite of the first one. Seeing their straight faces makes my two eyebrows meet each other. I still wonder why there are moody guards existing in this world when one of their must-remembers is to always smile to people. Why? WHY?

THIRD: The SOCO Team Member Wannabe: This guard is existing in universities, and unfortunately, my school is one of them. Why is he called (by me, that is) The SOCO Team Member Wannabe, anyway? Well in my school – which is actually the nest of the Falcons – the existence of overacting guards is not really a friendly thought for us students. They are the best teachers of The Definition of Messy 101. They will open the students’ bags like a crime has just happened and they have search warrants in their hands that allow them to conduct a search, looking for crime evidences that they think might be hidden inside the school bags. Sometimes, you can just thank The Ultimate Manunusok of All Time (refer to the fifth specie) for doing a quick job.

FOURTH: The Walking Walkie-Talkie. Last year, I was sitting in the visitor’s lounge found at the gate of one of my school’s buildings. It was Saturday so the school was sort-of quiet. I overhead the security guard assigned there, talking to the lady at the Informations Desk. Their conversation was about his neighbor. “Swerte nga ‘yong kumag na ‘yon eh, hindi ‘yon nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral, kahit ‘yong misis niya hindi rin nakapagtapos, pero ‘yong dalawa nilang anak, napagtapos na nila ng Nursing, ang babait ng mga bata…” and then after a couple of minutes, their topic was about Pacquiao’s boxing career, then to his (the security guard) son’s wife, then to juice flavors, etcetera. I think he can do better in storytelling than in providing security and safety, what do you think?

FIFTH: The Ultimate Manunusok of All Time. Seriously, do I need a long explanation for this? I can just explain this in a few words; he is the guard who opens your bag and poke your things with his magic stick and lets you pass by with ease. Voila.

At the end of the day, we can still say that security guards are still like the people working in air-conditioned offices and tall buildings. They may be financially disadvantaged, but still, they are like the people in coats and ties who can sometimes be prone to laziness. There is almost no difference at all between the men in navy blue pants and to the men in white collars – just don’t mind the whistles and the magic sticks.